The Member/Guest weekend had finally arrived for the annual Pine View Golf Club. Organizers of the highly anticipated event chose the weekend nearest the summer solstice, longest day of the year, to host the event. From day one the chairman of the Member/Guest Committee was “Easy” Ed Money, the local financial planner. Easy Money has a clear head that always seems to make the right decision in a crises. He said, “There are two reasons for choosing the longest day of the year for the Member/Guest. First, we want a huge field, our clubhouse will not accommodate the 192 golfers so we must have everything outside. Second, we need to allow our very small maintenance crew plenty of time to groom the course perfectly prior to the 10:00 AM shotgun start. The sun comes up early near the solstice.”

A committee members asked, “How you going to get 192 golfers around the golf course? That will take all day?”

“You are correct,” Easy replied. “We are going to have two 6-somes on every hole except the par-3 holes. It will take about 7 hours to play but when golfers are playing for so much money and prizes, they will not mind.”

Easy went on to say, “We will have a putting tournament after Saturday’s round while we get ready for the Calcutta. Everybody will hang around for the putting tournament because we will have all the hot dogs, brats, and watermelon they can eat. Budweiser Billy, the local Bud distributor, has already agreed to furnish all the keg beer they can drink. The more beer they drink the more money they will spend on teams in the Calcutta. Don’t worry about how much we will lose in alcohol sales, we will more than make up for it in the 10% we take from the Calcutta proceeds.” That was 23 years ago. The format remains the same and the tournament fills immediately.

The maintenance crew is made up of four full-time (summer months) employees who go on unemployment during the winter months. They hunt deer, elk, bear, and game birds all abundant in the area. The high school shop teacher is the superintendent with all the education necessary to keep grass growing beautifully.

All four of the crew have been at Pine View for years. Each is a specialist in his own right, and a true character. This story will highlight one, Spike, a disabled vet who collects a pension for loss of hearing and a leg injury. Spike is a clean freak! He has a phobia, especially about shit, human or animal. He carries rubber gloves in his jeans pocket for rare occasion that he is forced to use the satellite toilets on the course or when goose crap needs to be scraped from the rollers on his mower. “For some reason shit just freaks me out man! Even my own,” Spike states with a shake of his head.

At 10:00 AM Sunday morning, 192 hungover golfers mount their golf carts and head out to their starting hole. On #16, the longest par-5 on the course, all six golfers in the “A Group” have laid up short of the water guarding the front of the green. After six approach shots to the blind elevated green, three golf carts cross the bridge and proceed up the cart path on the right of the green. As Budweiser Billy steps off his red and white Bud cart he grabs his partner’s arm. “Stop,” he says as he points to a pile fresh bear scat with a golf ball stuck into it.

“What do we do with that? What is the ruling? We must get a free drop from that piece of bear scat?” Billy’s partner says.

“Don’t touch that ball,” Billy shouts, “I paid $8,100 for our team last night. If we break a rule, we will be disqualified.”

“Does anybody know the rule for bear shit? We got to call Easy Money. Too much cash at stake to break a rule. He will know what to do,” another golf said.

Billy called Easy and explained. In a flash Easy says, “I don’t give a shit what the USGA rule is. The committee has the right to create a local rule for unusual situations like this. I will halt play and come out and evaluate.

With two blasts on the very loud horn, all play comes to a halt as Easy races to the 16th green in his Escalade pickup. With one quick look Easy states, “The committee declares this pile of bear shit as “ground under repair”. Billy you are allowed a free drop within a club length no closer to the hole.”

After his shot Billy says, “Hey Easy should I clean-up this mess?”

“Hell no!” shouts Easy. “It is too late now, you had to deal with it so does every other team. That pile of bear scat is now GUR! I will tell the “B” Group behind you and place a sign on the tee.

Spike was having a beer in his reserved seat at the clubhouse bar when Easy returned. “Hey Spike, was that pile of bear shit beside the 16th green when you mowed greens?” Spike cups his right hand to his ear and tilts his head toward Easy. Easy repeats his question.

“Yes, that was my last green, a big old sow was just ambling across the green towards the woods.”

“Why didn’t you clean up that mess? It could have caused a big problem for the tournament.”

“They pay me to mow greens, not to clean up bear scat. I clean up enough around here, I ain’t picking up any bear scat.”

The winning team will soon be forgotten, but the 2023 Pine View Member/Guest will go down in history as the shittiest tournament of all!